The Zombie Times (Link: http://amzn.com/B00HDWFJOK)

The Zombie Times Classifieds:

For sale- Bloody hat; formerly warn by Mayor O’Riley prior to his death. Certificate of authenticity signed by Mayor O’Riley after his death. (Asking two fresh arms or a frozen torso)

For sale- Army helmet, slightly cracked, no bullet holes, size large. (Asking a foot, female preferred)

Help Wanted- Highly mobile Zombies to deliver The Zombie Times to outlying areas in the Northern New England region. Must be reliable and not easily distracted by smells or sounds. Apply online at The Zombie Times.Org.

Help Wanted- Caretakers for live torsos in and around Western Massachusetts. Responsibilities include cleaning, feeding and rotating. Must be good at swatting flies. Send resume to WM Undead@ ZMail.com

For rent- Abandoned home with boarded windows. Some bloodstains on carpets. Two acres, no neighbors. Asking six captive humans with no bite marks. Accepting reasonable offers. Call Meg at 413/447/3535 between 2:00AM and 5:00AM.