Wicked Zombies

YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE...MAYBE TWICE!

Hey! It's been a while since I have posted anything. I suppose I should give an update of some sort.

 

So... I have definitely been in mourning over the things happening lately. *sighs* When I posted my last blog, everything was fresh and I was definitely in pain, and rather numb.

 

There's no point in lying to anybody. I thought I handled my break up pretty well, I mean, getting through the actual breaking up. And it's true, I think my maturity made it end really well, and that's what is keeping me and my... ex as friends. Which is fantastic! I think that's what is keeping me okay with this entire break up. As long as we can at least be friends, I am fine. I want to keep him in my life, even if we are only friends. I wasn't kidding when I said I could let go... I can let go of him, but I won't let go of my love for a while. 

 

Even though I am okay with our break up, things weren't okay with me in general. I kept things bottled up for a long time, which was a problem, because the more problems that was added to my shoulders put me that much closer to a break down. The break down wasn't even the final straw. I had to received more bad news from my mom about living arrangements. Her and my sister are living in Portland until my sister's therapy is finished which is 8 weeks long. So, I must live with my aunt until school is out at least, and then I will be forced to move to Portland with my mom and sister until everything is finished. 6 weeks is a good portion of my summer!

 

After that, I finally lost it. I started dealing with suicidal thoughts of my own. There were several times where I came close to acting upon it, but I always ended up doing something that helped me to calm down. I've had two friends stick by my side through this phase, and they've really helped me laugh and smile. But also, I've done some research, which helped me feel a lot better about myself! 

 

Here are the sites that really helped me:

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/stigma.htm

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/whattodo.htm

 

Really, those sites really helped me understand some things about myself, and to not hate myself as much for the thoughts I've had. 

 

Luckily, I think I'm past the whole suicidal thing. Yesterday, there was a band banquet: all band members get together, we eat dinner, and we give out awards, and recognize our seniors. I did not expect anything of that night, other than that I would probably end up crying. I got an award for being an outstanding trombonist in my jazz 2 class. I was so grateful, because what surprised me the most was all the cheering I got when I walked up to accept my award. 

 

I ended up crying so much. I realize that I am extremely appreciated in band, which made me ashamed of my suicidal feelings and thoughts. Also, I was crying because this year, I will really miss all of our seniors. It used to be that I'd never know the people graduating, but this year, all my senior friends are going, and I am going to miss them so much!

 

The school year is coming to an end, and I am growing more stressed and anxious by the day. But I am a firm believer that it will end up being okay in the end!

 


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Comment by Zombie Killa on June 10, 2011 at 8:14am
Teenage years are the hardest. Everything is always a matter of life or death. Trust me in a year all of the worries will be forgotten and you will laugh about all the pain. Keep you head up you have people who care here. When you have those bad thoughts just wait until the zombie apocalypse and jump in a zombie pit! LOL!
Comment by kasumalley on June 9, 2011 at 7:03pm
I agree with Lady S. I felt the same way about most of these things. It was really hard and felt like it would never end. Still have bad days. But they got better. Hormones suck too. Good God they have caused me to feel so so bad in my life. I was an insane pregnant lady and just as nuts when I had hormone issues as a teen. Try to talk to someone you can trust that can get you the help you need if you can. That's what I hope you do have.
Comment by Komrad Lady Sunyak on June 9, 2011 at 5:25pm

I was about to email you...you were starting to worry me. I'm glad you did some research and feel better about it now. A lot of people your age go through depression. It's due to hormonal changes...totally NOT your fault! Komrad Wayne's right...what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I actually thank all the people who allowed/forced me to be a pushover growing up because they made me the tough/take shit from no one type bitch that I am today. It feels much better than being walked all over.

Comment by Komrad Wayne on June 9, 2011 at 2:51am
I went through a suicidal phase myself around the same time in my life...you have alot to learn and experience yet, life will get better, youll grow stronger from everything. Hold ya head up girl!!
Comment by kasumalley on June 9, 2011 at 1:21am
Never be ashamed of your hurtful feelings. You're human. Good for you for dealing with them, seeking help. You are appreciated by more people than that I'm sure. Things WILL be okay! HANG IN THERE! *hugs*

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It's been awhile since I have been home here on Wicked Zombies...I've been doing so much searching within this outer world of life...

   I've since gotten re-married and have been working back in security for the last couple of years. Have started back writing again and have purchased an actual house. It's hard being away from my family even though I need to work and support them, but it's a shame a person has to work so much that they miss their kids growing up...

   Well…

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