Wicked Zombies


Fuck Snow, Fuck Zombies and most of all Fuck Max Brooks! Part 3: Max Brooks

ok... so if you've read part 1, you might be wondering why i've got a sudden hard-on for this author.  well, i'm gonna fucking tell you.  The Zombie Survival Guide started making the rounds in the weeks following the 'outbreak'.  we weren't getting briefed on the threat and we were in desperate need of intel.  unfuckingfortunately, this book not only didn't give anything useful, it's probably responsible for an obscenely high number of deaths- indirectly adding to our adversaries numbers.  so yeah... fuck this guy. 

1.  Weather- zombies DON'T FUCKING FREEZE.  the cold doesn't slow them down, doesn't affect their movements or hunting skills.  in short, winter double fucks humanity by bending us over and giving those undead fuckers a free pass.

2. Weapons- A: melee weapons?  really?  i brained four or five with a crowbar before i couldn't lift the damned thing anymore.  if you think a melee weapon is your best option for a primary weapon, go take one and beat a fucking tree with it for an hour like it owes you money.  if after that you can still swing the goddamned thing well enough to crack a skull, good for fucking you.  you're eventually going to need to talk to someone about that steroid problem though.

     B: for the rest of us, we're going with motherfucking guns.  the book blasted firearms, the reasons of which escape me, but let me provide my point.  *I* can carry a M249 SAW or M240LW machine gun and tear zombies fucking apart all day, all night- because i'm a 'trained professional'.  if you're not, don't try using one of these- give it to someone that knows what to do with it, one hundred dollars says there's a skilled veteran in your neighborhood.  for you- buy a fucking assault rifle, shotgun and handgun- military styled models are preferable, make the range your new home and learn how to horde ammo like Bilbo's dragon.

3. Detection- A: sound- the book says these fuckers are attracted to sound.  and they are- if its a sound ORIGINATING from a living person: voices, breathing, coughing, etc.  any other sound these bastards could fucking care less about.  why?  the world is full of fucking sounds, but only a few mean dinner.  that's just the evil in mother nature, bitches.  

     B: sight- you had better fucking believe it.  and if you don't, you're probably already dead... so... go fuck yourself.

     C: smell/other- not sure on this one, but don't take any chances.  eventually, assholes like me are going to have to guinea pig this idea, so why don't you wait until we're done with that before doing something i'll laugh at you for.

4. Anatomy- the sumbitches simply don't fucking rot.  they don't bleed, they don't heal, but they sure as fuck do NOT fucking rot.

5. Transportation- fuck everything this guy says.  unless you're with a group of highly trained and prepared motherfuckers, you're shit out of luck.  if you're on foot, or your dumb fucking ass is actually on a bicycle, you are probably five minutes away from being eaten alive.  be smart- steal a car, then break every traffic law to reach an established safe zone.  by law, they'll have to admit you.

6. Useless Military- *sigh* so many offenses here... first and foremost, we have ALL the best guns. bullets?  um, yeah... we have them.  ALL OF THEM.  don't let the media lie to you about us running out.  we could shoot fuckers in the face for the next century and still have more than we'll know what to do with- AND we keep getting more!  and some of them are just... fucking amazingly wicked, lol.

we're also trained and experienced at shooting people.  that's actually in our job description.  don't like it?  that's probably why you're still reading this in the fucking middle of no where instead of in a safe zone.

did everyone fucking forget that we have tanks, artillery, gunships, ground attack jets and armed motherfucking drones?  we sure as shit didn't.  and somehow i doubt the zombies will either.  World War Z totally dropped the ball on this, much to my irritation.  when the US military wants something dead- it's dead with a quickness, with speed and by a means that lets everyone know we're not to be fucked with.

now, granted, we're experiencing some difficulties presently.  but hey, you try shifting from a major world war to a zombie apocalypse as fast as possible without fucking up.

Zombies aren't supposed to be real.  We kinda had some problems the first few weeks over shooting not only our wounded comrades, but unarmed Americans in the streets.  despite what you think, that actually is NOT in our job description.  our tactics, training and thoughts on warfare had nothing to help us adjust.

fortunately, what we do have is the arsenal built by the largest defense budget on the face of the planet for over 6 decades, the sense of honor and duty to protect our country and the razor sharp instinctual drive to fucking kill anything we see as a threat.  i defy you to find a group that can do better than that.

we're adapting as we fight.  everyday we learn by killing the enemy.  everyday we get better at it.

but you know something fucked up?  i've been noticing some freaky shit.  no one admits it, no one will talk to me, not even the Intelligence Corp of our division, but i want you to know shit's gonna get a helluva lot worse before it gets any better.  

the zombies... their eyes are starting to look different.  they're starting to move different.

and after what happened on that college campus, i know for a fucking fact- every day, THEY'RE learning too.

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Comment by Priest on March 26, 2014 at 12:22am

Vicious... you are fucking awesome:)

Comment by Vicious Lee on March 24, 2014 at 10:54pm


Comment by Priest on March 18, 2014 at 7:40am

well, Komrad the initial drafts of the first few chapters are available online here.  let me know what you think.

Comment by KOMRAD RHINO☭ on March 17, 2014 at 9:56pm

I so cant wait to read it brother. Keep us posted as to when it is out there.

Comment by Priest on March 17, 2014 at 10:10am

hey Komrad, i'm glad you like where this is going.  i think there's a great deal of potential wasted in most zombie fiction and i aim to try my hand at as many as i cram inside this debacle, heh.

i think the possibility for intelligence in zombies is really dependent about the particular zombie in question, you know?  

but i'm trying a lot of unique things the make zombies scary again.  and yes, things WILL be advancing, muhaha.  the full book goes into more detail about how society, the world, the military, warfare itself and the weapons of war change in response to the events beginning in the journal.  i think you're gonna like where this goes.

Comment by KOMRAD RHINO☭ on March 17, 2014 at 8:34am

I just got through reading this. I must admit it is a compelling read. And I cant help but agree on the ending of this. About how the zombies are learning. In my humble opinion. Its not to far out of the range of a zombie to learn. I mean after all, a chimpanzee learned how to use a tree branch as a club. Certain other primates learned how to use rocks to crack coconut shells to get the food inside. So when it comes down to it. Why not zombies learning to? They are just like us just working on a less perfect level is all. So why not a zombie learning how to use a good club or even a gun for that matter. They have the ability to retain the things from their past existence. Like going to places they loved in life. I always felt that eventually they would go on a learning curve of some kind. An unpopular idea by most because then that would mean people would have to accept that they now have a predator with the same cunning as they have. That in itself will get a lot of people killed if they cant accept it. The fact that a zombie can and eventually will have the same reasoning as they do in time. But just like all things in warfare. Everything (and I do mean ANYTHING) will advance if left to go on long enough.

Comment by Priest on March 17, 2014 at 1:26am

that's a very interesting suggestion, Scarlet.  unfortunately, the bulk of my experience and skills are dependent on military resources.  the people, training, armaments are part of an ongoing advancement and without that kind of access, i might as well hand out instruction manuals for 8 track players written in Chinese.

however, there is a community that published US Army field manuals dedicated to zombie warfare.  they're so authentic, they could've actually been made for the military.

however, the concept of perhaps creating something like that has been a part of the process involved in writing this series.  i've composed dozens of reports compiling information from scientific, intelligence and military studies before i starting writing the story.  so perhaps they'll be made public when the time is appropriate.

but the ride's just getting started.  we have a long way to go before verified intel is sufficient enough to be useful.  and then you'll just have worry about how current it is- the unknown has a strange way staying just beyond the shadows the light of knowledge never completely dispels.

Comment by Komrad Scarlet Zombie☭ on March 16, 2014 at 1:53pm
You should start your own zombie survival guide and use all of your life experiences.
Comment by Komrad Venessa Wicked☭ on March 15, 2014 at 6:54pm

I have to admit some of his Zombie facts are bogus but I believe it all in WICKED fun!


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It's been awhile since I have been home here on Wicked Zombies...I've been doing so much searching within this outer world of life...

   I've since gotten re-married and have been working back in security for the last couple of years. Have started back writing again and have purchased an actual house. It's hard being away from my family even though I need to work and support them, but it's a shame a person has to work so much that they miss their kids growing up...



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