Monday, April 1, 2013

The Zombie Times Classifieds:

For sale- Bloody hat; formerly warn by Mayor O’Riley prior to his death. Certificate of authenticity signed by Mayor O’Riley after his death. (Asking two fresh arms or a frozen torso)

For sale- Army helmet, slightly cracked, no bullet holes, size large. (Asking a foot, female preferred)

Help Wanted- Highly mobile Zombies to deliver The Zombie Times to outlying areas in the Northern New England region. Must be reliable and not easily…

Westfield, Massachusetts

Church services at St. Marks were disrupted when a hoard of West Side Zombies attempted to receive communion from Father Patrick O’Brien. As parishioners scattered in fear for the exits, Father O’Brien, true to his faith, held his ground. Dedicated to the doctrine of the church, the good father held out the chalice to the coming hoard refusing to deny the sacrament to any of the faithful. Needless to say, St. Mark’s parish will be closed for two weeks…

Calimax

The generic drug Calimax is now available at West Side Zombie Safe Houses throughout New England. Found to be effective for the relief of dry and itchy skin, Calimax has been approved by undead pharmacists and beauticians.

If while using Calimax, you experience skin decay, the loss of appendages, loss of appetite, severe anxiety or depression, a craving for fruits and vegetables or a desire to play with children, stop the use of the drug and consult your…

The Zombie Times is written by zombies for all zombies in the New England area with the exception of Vermont, whose charter refuses to acknowledge their presence.

Lee, Massachusetts

A free clinic for area zombies has been opened by Dr. Joy Hemingway behind the Outlet Mall off Mass Turnpike Exit Four. The hours are 2:00 AM to 4:00 AM. Dr. Hemingway, a former dentist turned undead last fall, has collected a number of partial dentures from ravaged victims. Toothless walkers will…